Chapter 34, PART 1

The hardest adjustment for me had to be the immediate loss of my positive attitude. I have regained much of it, tempered by the awareness that no matter how we structure our thoughts, we do not control outside circumstances. I can choose how I react to them, and have spent much time meditating, counseling others if I can, and reading inspirational literature, but I find portions of myself that I do not like now.

I anger far more easily now and am more apt to speak out about something that displeases me. I do not lose control, but I raise my voice far more often than I used to. In fact, I had a friend tell me the other day that she could not even envision me angry. I am angry inside, but I do not know at what, other than I feel robbed, and will for the rest of my life. I admit to this feeling of resentment; I do not wish it on anyone else.

Chapter 34, PART 2

Today at the YMCA while I worked out on the elliptical machine, an elderly woman climbed on the machine next to me and began talking about her perfect family and her perfect grandchildren and the Blessed Savior Jesus and the Good Lord and Provider, implying they were perfect because of her faith. I felt like snapping at her, “Obviously, you’ve never had a child die.” I did not snap and I listened to her patiently.

What I realized about myself, though, was that I could not share her bountiful joy in her grandchildren and children and how God would save them all. On the other hand, she made it to the age of seventy-four, so I did not wish to cast a pall upon her beliefs. I was surprised by the unspoken resentment I felt. Even though you do not wish ill upon anyone, it’s hard to see people with intact families carrying on. You wonder why your family’s life has changed so drastically.

Chapter 34, PART 3

A friend of mine told me that one Christmas she became angry when she went to her sister-in-law’s home and saw whole families together. It’s not an emotion which she normally feels, so this took her by surprise. It’s an offshoot of anger and bewilderment, I think.

Luckily, the negative does not prevail forever. I did go back to my old lifestyle of meditation, trying to be kind and thinking positively when I can. It took a while for me to believe again that life is what we make of it. I certainly would not have chosen such a horrible way to find out if my philosophy of making the best of any situation works. On the other hand, I wasn’t given a choice. None of us were.