Chapter 33, PART 1

It did not occur to me until talking to my Aunt Dorothy, who had two daughters who both lost children, that the grandmother gets hit with, as she called it, “a double whammy.” I felt bad for not realizing that being so lost in my own grief, I did not recognize the pain of my own mother. Grandmothers have lost a grandchild, their descendent and a person they have grown to love; plus, the grandmother’s heart grieves not only for the dead, but also for the living, because of the intense suffering of her own child.

The grandmother probably needs more understanding and help from others than we can imagine, but speaking as a parent, you worry about your child so much, you put aside your own sadness to be of help. When my daughter had my grandson, she began hemorrhaging after delivery and the nurses and doctor ordered us out of the room while hospital personnel hurried in. We went to see my grandson in the nursery, but I admit to barely noticing him without the typical awe, and within minutes I was back next to the door of my daughter’s room where the nurses and doctors worked frantically inside to save my daughter’s life. Although I was excited about my first grandchild, I stood outside that hospital room awaiting the good news we received thirty minutes later that the bleeding had been stopped and we could see my daughter.

Chapter 33, PART 2

To see your own child in a state of suffering and knowing that you can do nothing but offer support has to be incredibly painful. My mother says she wishes she could have spared me the load. My Aunt Dorothy feels great pain to see the suffering of her daughters and son-in-law.

Ironically, not wanting to make her feel bad seeing me suffer, I have not talked to my mother in any depth about Logan’s death; writing this book was the first time we discussed it in length. Mom, trying to spare me pain, does not bring the subject up unless I do. Aunt Dorothy, on the other hand, freely discusses the deaths of her two grandsons with her two daughters. The three of them share rituals together, remembering both sons at one gravesite because the other one had his ashes scattered. They get together for birthdays. I, on the other hand, only have one ritual, and it involves all three of our sons. I light a three pronged candelabra once a year in memory of them.

Chapter 33, PART 3

While writing this book, I found out that Mom has some regrets about a trivial incident, the fact that she brought my son back to his apartment on my birthday because I was having trouble with my gait (a neuromuscular disorder), but honestly, I did not even remember the incident. If we had spoken about this much sooner, I might have spared her this “what if” or “if only I had” and the regret she feels for something I do not even remember. I think she feels that she cheated me out of time with Logan, but I had no idea she felt this way. I reassured her that this is not something to regret. I felt grateful that day that she took him home because it would have been hard for me to drive at the time.

I asked my Mom what has helped her through, and she replied, that Logan “does not have to endure all of life’s hardships.” He was an easy-going, happy person, so my son will never be in a position that he might have found emotionally hard to handle. On the other hand, every night she asks God, Why?, exhibiting some of the multiplicity of feelings that we go through.

Chapter 33, part 4

In my aunt’s case, she finds her strength by sharing with her daughters, and no doubt with my mother. Mom has Aunt Dorothy and her friends to help, but writing this book makes me realize that I not only offered little solace to her, but also I could not offer much to my own family either. Since writing the above, my mother, daughter and sister-in-law and I did go to a ceremony at Logan’s cemetery where we lit luminaries and made angel ornaments for a tree. I’m glad we did it because we all offered each other comfort.

I feel as though I am gradually easing back into life. Perhaps Logan’s death has made us all realize the importance of the everyday moments.

Chapter 33, part 5

ACTIVITY 32:

If the grandmother(s) of your child still lives, have you talked to them or done anything with them that might help you comfort each other? I suggest that when you feel up to it, you talk to them and find out how they feel. It’s easy to forget their pain because ours consumes us, but know that they might be grieving in a depth which you do not know unless you talk.