CHAPTER 6, PART 1

A close friend and I met for dinner at a steakhouse in town. She had lost a son in circumstances similar to my own son’s death. We talked about our grief and she told me something that surprised me: she did not care who was around; if she felt like crying, she would cry in front of anyone.

I struggled with this because I teach, and I did not want to be crying in front of my classes. I forced myself to hold back tears, or I would spontaneously assign an activity that would allow me time to go away to the restroom to collect myself. However, these feelings cannot be repressed. I would hold back the expression of my feelings (which is different than holding back the feelings), and then close myself in my office in the late afternoons, when few students were around, and sob for as long as it took to feel some sort of release. I do not know what my fellow professors thought when they heard the muffled sobs, but I’m sure they understood.


CHAPTER 6, PART 2

What I learned to do, since I could not cry freely in front of others, was to allow myself time to cry and consider it natural. Setting aside time to feel the worst I could feel helped me in the times when I felt it hardest to bear the fact of Logan’s death. Some mornings I did not want to get out of bed and I often questioned the point of continuing to live, other than for my remaining children. However, this allotted grieving time helped me through these bleak days, and it still does help me although I don’t need as much time. Instead of an hour or two, I might cry for three minutes.


CHAPTER 6, PART 3

As a holiday or his birthday creeps towards me, I might go through pictures and mementos, knowing this will prompt a flood, but also knowing that the flood would come at some point whether I prompted it or not. For me, this has been effective in that it allows me some sort of control over my emotions, so I do not always feel driven by a force stronger than myself. Although this works well for me, this might not work for everyone. In my attempt to rejoin life, allowing time for emotional expression has been a good tool.


Chapter 6, part 4

My mother remarked to me that in the past it may have been easier for us to accept grief as people wore black for a year after a death—this allowed those who knew us to remember that the grieving process was ongoing. People have their own lives and if someone has never experienced the loss that the death of a child brings, it might not even cross that person’s mind as they speak to you eleven months later that you are still in a maelstrom. The wearing of black reminded everyone that your behavior might be different. In some ways, it seems to me almost a permission to have these feelings and to not get back to what appears to outsiders as normal living. In fact, much of the stress in my life now might have been alleviated because no one would have thought to ask me to participate in committees or sponsor events if they’d seen me in mourning.


Chapter 6, part 5

We do not have the luxury of wearing black, so we must catch our moments when we can. A co-worker who lost her son told me her worst moments were in the car, driving alone. In my co-worker’s case, the driving alone must have been nightmarish as her son died in a car wreck, yet many others have mentioned the same to me: that because of the isolation in the car, they felt more free to cry. Almost every weekday for several months, I would drive to work and within two minutes the tears rained as I cried for the twenty-minute drive. One student remarked one day that I never wore make-up, and I told her, “That’s not true. I just cry it off on the way to work each day.” The students looked at me strangely, but I had already told them that I had lost a child.


Chapter 6, part 6

Obviously, the jobs of counselors and psychologists exist for a reason. They listen to people and for many, talking to someone who is not emotionally invested in your conversation helps by letting you acknowledge the emotions through speaking about them. If you are a naturally outgoing person, this might be extremely therapeutic. Some clergy can make excellent listeners, as can support groups. You may have a friend who is always willing to listen. This tool did not help me as much as it might help others because I found myself, after five weeks, talking to my counselor discussing her problem about having her aging mother come to live with her. (This was not my counselor’s fault; I’m an expert at drawing people out.) Obviously, though, I was wasting her time, as well as my own, because I was not using this tool correctly.


Chapter 6, part 7

If you are a solitary individual, writing your feelings down could be of use. If you are worried that others will read your work, you can write your words on the computer and delete the page when through. I have done this many times. You can acknowledge what comes upon you in different ways, depending upon your personality and bent. An artist might want to paint or draw what she feels at the moment. A musician might want to bang on a piano, or a naturalist hike a rigorous trail.

The main point is to know that these feelings exist and if you move towards them, instead of away from them, you obtain a certain amount of relief. Do not underestimate how hard the confrontation will be, but at the same time, do not underestimate how much the expression of your feelings helps.


Chapter 6, part 8

ACTIVITY

Choose a time of day that you know you can grieve without interruption, even if you have to ask your family to respect the hour and not interrupt. Explain to anyone who might worry that you are allowing yourself the time to grieve so that you might be more effective in other parts of your day. (This doesn’t mean that you won’t unexpectedly cry, but it allows you to accept the feelings.) Write down different ideas you could use: in the car on the way home from work, stopping at a park overlooking the river for thirty minutes, in your office if you can seclude yourself. Choose the idea that will work best for you.