CHAPTER 5, PART 1
At some point, the robotic nature of our movements slowly ebbs, and we begin to feel the true depth of the pain because we begin to miss the child so much. Unfortunately, everyone else, although they miss your child, might not understand this lingering sorrow or the quiver in your voice when you mention your child’s name. I expect most people who work with me, educators and students alike, do not realize the pain I experience on a weekly basis. However, this is not the same overwhelming shock as at the beginning after the news. It has subsided in intensity and frequency. Life has become easier.
Processing grief is sorrowful work. A parent must bear the pain and realize that at some point in time, that grief will grab you, if you do not face it yourself. At the initial soul-rocking shock, I felt the only decision of which I remained capable was to keep myself occupied. Even then, in my attempts to remain busy, I could not have written this book because I needed time to adjust to the new state of my life. The part of chapter two in this book that I wrote for my friend was all I was capable of at the time.
CHAPTER 5, PART 2
Although time has helped, it still takes determination for me to go into this area of my psyche, which I want to keep covered. People do not willingly induce emotional sorrow of this degree upon themselves, but unless you can gain some sort of perspective and work on this feeling, the despair will remain. It waits to spring when the pressure builds to a point, or stressors in your life cause it to come to the forefront. You drop a dish and suddenly the agony of the loss overwhelms you and you sit on the floor, surrounded by pieces of a broken plate, sobbing.
Sometimes, doctors will prescribe medications for the depression or to help you sleep, which can be a benefit. If you need anti-depressants, they can help. If you need a sleep-aid occasionally, to get a good night’s sleep, do what your doctor says. Many people need medications to ease us through the most troubling periods, but medications do not change the fact that you still must actively rebuild your life.
CHAPTER 5, PART 3
The process occurs in different ways and different stages for people, but I have found that you can be an active participant in your own recovery, or you can let your life slip hopelessly over the edge of despair and make the road to this new life even harder. The over-powering grief of Logan’s death ruled my life for months as I operated on auto-pilot, but then the shock wore off and the grief work began. At some point, we must begin the work of reframing our world in a different way. The grief exists and needs to be acknowledged, but we must also, at some point, start to reshape our worldview.
We must reinvent ourselves. I do not know when this process begins, only that in order to achieve some sort of stability again, it must begin by acknowledging our feelings and not judging ourselves for what we feel. We might feel like victims, but for once in our lives, it’s okay to feel like victims. Do not judge the feelings that arise.
Chapter 5, part 4
ACTIVITY
Try to notice phrases you use that reinforce a negative feeling: “Why did this happen?” “It’s not fair.” “She was too young.” If you can isolate one phrase that keeps repeating itself, think of a replacement. Write it down and say it every time you’re tempted to use the old phrase. For example, “No one can know why this happens, but I will get through it.” “I bet most people feel as though losing a child isn’t fair, but it didn’t happen to punish me.” “I am glad I had my child.” “I love my child.” These types of phrases will help more than the victim language, so choose your phrase, write a positive alternative phrase, and when you think of the old phrase, substitute the new. This activity is not a denial of the feelings, but a way of using just one small change to help with the grief.
