Chapter 30, PART 1

After the death of a child, you wonder if you’ll ever experience pleasure again. Initially, it seems impossible. I do feel pleasure at playing with my grandson now, at writing, at hearing good music or spending time with friends, yet in the recesses of my mind is the transitory nature of the pleasure because if sorrowful memories do not intervene, something else in life probably will.

Others might feel guilty for the re-awakening of pleasure and deny themselves these legitimate feelings. After my son’s service, the day before we buried him, many of us came back to the house and sang. I cannot believe I sang two hours after seeing Logan’s dead body, but I did and I remember laughing at my brother and the antics of my dog. I wonder if I am abnormal to have done this, but it’s as a friend expressed that night, “Everybody needed this release.” Logan would not have minded and I do not love him any less than I ever have, but there’s still that feeling that maybe I should have locked myself in my room. (That’s not our family dynamic.) However, I do not remember the next time I laughed after that.

Chapter 30, PART 2

My family of origin enjoys life and humor and we have passed this trait onto our children, so surrounded by them, I could let myself relax. However, at some point, family and friends go back to their own lives. I remember watching the Tour de France each day for the next week, in front of the television and actually being interested somewhat in the cycling race, which I watch every year. I did not feel guilt because I could either lie in bed and cry, or watch the race and cry intermittently, so I chose the sporadic crying to give my mind a rest in between its breakdowns.

I can now laugh with sincerity again, although I thought that this would never happen. A student brought a book in he had written for me (for a class he was in), 900 Reasons I Did Not Do My Homework. I laughed out loud for an hour while reading the book. Last evening, my young grandson was taking a bath and shooting our dog with a squirt gun and the dog’s reaction sent us into riotous laughter. Genuine heartfelt laughter used to come easily to me every day; now, it is a rare event, so my student’s book and grandson’s bath were gifts. I now see the laughter I’ve had in the past as a blessing, and for that I feel gratitude to my late son for he kept the family laughing.

Chapter 30, PART 3

I’ve had to retrain my mind to enjoy parties and banquets. They hold little flavor for me anymore, and mostly I endure them, but occasionally I enjoy them. Mostly, I want to escape, but for the sake of my hosts, I try to participate. When I invite people to my home, I want the option of leaving; however, when you invite others to your home, the guests expect you to stay. I am having a wine-tasting holiday get-together for close friends tonight at the house, and at least the logistics keep me busy instead of crawling into bed and foregoing the whole event, which at this moment, I would like to do.

Another inhibiting factor to social enjoyment is the thought of how others might view us. Maybe you think you must not be grieving enough if you laugh or enjoy a movie or performance. We might even feel as though we betray the memory of our late child by an outward display of joy, but I do not think our psyches could handle the constant stress of grief. We must allow our minds some respite, especially as our brains and emotions want to take us straight back into grief. If we allow ourselves laughter, the mind can begin to understand that although we’ll never be the same, we can still recover some of the pleasures before the death. It might seem impossible that this will ever happen, as you read this, but gradually the lighter side of life can resurface.

Chapter 30, part 4

I went to Europe as an advisor on a school trip with a friend, who had also lost a son a few years ago. Despite the tragedies in our lives, we had many laughing moments on the trip, usually at yet another glitch as we shepherded college students around Rome, Paris and London. After losing a child, the setbacks of students late to the bed, minor hotel-room fires and no air-conditioning can be viewed with laughter.

At other times in this grieving process, we have no choice or control in the matter, especially at the beginning, of joy turning into sorrow in an instant. The breakdown can come unexpectedly or at an inopportune time or place. Stifling the feeling does not work, so we cry freely. Why then, do we sometimes stifle, through guilt, the emotion of pleasure in our lives? I know I felt guilt as I wondered if it were too soon to laugh or if I was being callous or shallow when I felt joy. We have opportunities to grieve in abundance, so perhaps it might be wise to allow ourselves the chance to accept with gratitude that which life brings us in the way of happiness. Allow your mind and emotions any small relief.

Chapter 30, part 5

Hazel found welcome respite in reading. Even in her mid-eighties she remained an inveterate reader. I find enjoyment in working with college students, above and beyond teaching them, such as sponsoring the campus writing club or volunteering for the Relay for Life with students as teammates. Exercise also helps. I’ve only begun exercising again in the last three weeks with regularity, but it helps stabilize my mood. Before Logan’s death, I exercised as habit, and although it has taken over two years, I can now establish the habit again.

Give yourself the freedom to enjoy, even if for a few moments, those times that will allow you to break away from grief. It becomes easier as time goes on and is not disrespectful to your child. Most children do not like to see their parents unhappy, so do not feel guilt if you experience fun now and then and catch yourself enjoying a gift that life has to bring.

Chapter 30, part 6

ACTIVITY

Tomorrow, watch a comedy or movie that will make you laugh or do something you might enjoy. Look for chances to laugh during the day. One day, you won’t have to look. The laughter will come back naturally. If you are reading this only a few weeks into the process of grieving, you might want to come back to this activity in a month or two.