Chapter 27, PART 1

Although grieving parents share many commonalities, some demons and experiences are personal. My particular type of loss might be the same as another woman’s, but when we add personal memories to it, each of us has experienced a different type of demon.

Mine lies in the loss of self-esteem as a mother. People sometimes remark that I am an excellent mother. Prior to Logan’s death, I would love to hear that comment, but the demon says, “If you were such a good mother, how come your son is dead from a drug overdose?” Or the demon brings the ever-recurring thought, Other people’s kids are alive because their parents brought them up right. This loss of confidence does not overflow, to my knowledge, into other arenas of my life, but motherhood is the most important to me, so I struggle with this one aspect of my life.

Chapter 27, PART 2

I use logic to reason myself out of these thoughts: He was an adult; he had other influences in his life besides me; I tried to talk to him about his drug use; perhaps nothing could have prevented it. In the end though, logic breaks down in the face of emotion and I cry, wondering what type of parent I am.

One consolation I derive is that Logan himself thought I was a good mother. My sister-in-law once remarked to him, “Do you know what a good human being your mother is?” and he responded to her, “I was lucky. I was born with the best mother in the world.” This comment which she shared with me means so much to me now because even if I did not prevent his death, he and I both knew we loved each other. Love for family and others was, and still is, foremost in my life.

Chapter 27, PART 3

Another consolation is that I do not care if my children become doctors or professionals or talented athletes. What I wish for them most is kindness to other people, love for themselves and others, and a sense of happiness. The remarks on my son’s memorial website talk about my son’s love of laughter and smiles and the cheerfulness he brought into the world. Logan fit all three of these most important categories, so in some ways, I succeeded.

Yet, I still remain haunted as I write this, or when I deal with my surviving children. I wonder constantly if what I do is right or enough. I have the constant thought, What changes do I need to make to my parenting style? My daughter told me about a dream she had that woke her up crying. She was trying to borrow a Halloween costume from me, but I gave it to a student instead. I would not even look at her costume, preferring my students’ company to hers. This made her look in the mirror in the dream and see herself as ugly. I realized after thinking about it that she has depended upon me to be a source of comfort and stability all of her life, but Logan’s death has temporarily robbed her of that source as I grapple with my own grief.

Chapter 27, part 4

As a parent, this makes me reconsider the time I spend with my students because I cannot deny the great pleasure I derive from listening to them and their ideas, and the satisfaction I receive from any help I might offer to them. Personal demons only need a small nibble of doubt to start the insatiable appetite leading to more doubt. These thoughts become self-defeating because of the finality of death. Nothing I can do now will change the past, or whether I was a good or bad parent.

Once again, I am faced with restructuring my thoughts. I can dwell upon this and feel remorse, but no matter how much I berate myself, Logan will not return. I can make adjustments in my parenting style if I choose, or I can change my thinking to reflect that I did the best that I could under the circumstances. I can reassure myself that in some respects I did succeed.

Chapter 27, part 5

I venture to think that personal demons might be hardest on people who associate events in their lives with reward and punishment from their Higher Power. I watch sports and it bothers me to see a sports figure thanking God for winning the championship as though this sports figure has special privilege over every member of the opposing team. It implies that if he had lost, he was being punished. Thus, I feel very sorry for those who see their relationship with a Higher Power in terms of their own lives, only because it would make the sudden death of a child very, very hard to understand. You would wonder what (probably unrelated) sin you had committed that led to this tragedy in your life.

Whatever your demon might be, it might be of use to you to change your thoughts, or work on thinking about the matter in a different light. A counselor might help or a really insightful friend or acquaintance, so that you can conquer whatever thoughts about yourself that overwhelm you. Introspection is a useful tool for change, but repetition of the negative does you no good. Like a camera, you might need to change the focus of your thoughts for a better picture of your life.

Once we choose the proper lens, it can help with the all-consuming thought of why this tragedy happened.

Chapter 27, part 6

ACTIVITY

Know your personal demons and put them to rest. You can write down what thought plagues you, and then create a new thought that counteracts it. You’ve done an activity like this before and I cannot stress enough the importance of changing your perspective to help your healing. You may not feel totally healed, but you can feel better.