Chapter 23, PART 1

I found myself stripped down to my psychological core after Logan’s death. Since the first moment of shock and denial and animal-like screams over which I had no control, I have been looking at all I held to be true about myself before the death under a microscope. I have had to spend my time rebuilding. For example, I love to dance and sing and did not mind staying up until late in the night to do this. Now, even with singing, I do not want to stay up late and have established a more routine schedule. Luckily, I still love teaching although I find that I expect more of my students and would like for them to do more because of the brevity of life.

Chapter 23, PART 2

Others may cling to their prior beliefs and standards as a way of functioning, but I found that when stripped of all inessential elements, I basically believed in helping others, which made my life much easier because decisions can be based upon a relatively simple guideline. Rules and regulations dropped away because for so many months my entire being reverted back to the thoughts of Logan’s death whenever it had a chance. I lived in a strange, new terrain.

Although the two types of activities, internal change and external rearranging might seem to fall in different categories, they actually accomplish the same purpose for the grieving heart. In one instant the world changed for us; the redesigning of the outside surroundings or the inner self is an attempt to make sense of the new world into which we have been thrust. Our brain will do this if we let it.

Chapter 23, PART 3

If we want to some extent reprogram our way of thinking, we then have to read, think and analyze where we want our minds to focus. For me, the choice was easy due to the nature of my underlying belief in helping others and my occupation, that of teaching college students. Most of my students are nearing the same age as my son when he died, so directing my focus to helping students gain their own identities (as well as teaching writing) seemed the logical choice.

I also chose to accept the odd emotions that grief offers up as natural, perhaps inevitable, and decided to not berate myself for the seeming illogic of my life. I did not expect myself to snap out of it. I allowed as much deep crying and feelings as I needed. Conversely, at the same time, I was forced to look at the world in a new way. At times, even though I felt insane, I even accepted insanity as natural.

Chapter 23, part 4

By virtue of the fact that even my own emotions were now unfamiliar and not always controllable, I found, and still find, this new self a strange individual, who alternately sees life as futile and within the time span of less than a day, then sees it as having possibilities again. We had a holiday party last night for which I lacked much enthusiasm, but I knew it would make my husband happy. Chuck, a close friend whom I had not seen in eight or nine months, was mentioning how he missed seeing us. I explained that since Logan’s death, I have not felt as much like entertaining, which he understood, although in the past I always welcomed everyone to my home and still do should they happen to show up. I have chosen, though, to not give myself the extra burden of more work for a party at which I feel an outsider.

Chapter 23, part 5

Even now, if someone comes to dinner, I make a cursory sweep of the house to pick up some of the clutter, but no longer care about what others think about the house. Sometimes this attitude extends to an ”I do not care” attitude about my personal appearance: I throw on jeans for work and the most comfortable top I can find, or I’ll forego make-up. When these days come and last over a day, I know I need to cry, release and recharge.

Chapter 23, part 6

After I have released the emotions, I can then focus on my teaching, writing or what my friend Dorothy calls “mind work,” a term I like. It implies actively trying to make life more bearable by the retraining process. It might involve making a plan to exercise 10 minutes a day or writing three positive attributes a day for the next month. Sometimes it means reading a book on how attitudes mean everything although I do not think I would have been capable of reading an “anything is possible” book for at least two years after his death. Someone else might be ready for this “can-do-it” reading in a much shorter amount of time. Another person finds it takes longer for them. Eventually, however, we do reach the point when we can start to even out again and choose our minds’ responses.

Chapter 23, part 7

We can help the brain in this process through writing down what we feel at the time, through talking to friends or a counselor, and through consciously looking at the death from different angles. For example, when feeling anger, we might write in a journal that the cue of a specific comment caused anger; perhaps an unthinking visitor made reference to how well his son does in college and that the boy has been nothing but golden while your son died while driving drunk. You write this cue down; you let your subconscious know you realize why you feel this way; but that you also realize if your son acted as a golden boy, you might make the same type of remark. You can feel your resentment, but you can step back from it at the same time. In time, you might even be able to rejoice for the friend’s good fortune.

As discussed in chapter fourteen, many people to whom I have spoken, who have very strong religious beliefs or church-related dogmas, become disillusioned. After all, if God is kind and loving, and you have tried to be faithful to your religion or creed, why are you being punished? Probably re-evaluating our spiritual stance is one of our greatest tasks in the process of finding this new, strange you who can deal with the devastating loss. The disillusionment may be temporary for some, but permanent for others. At any rate, we have to make adjustments in our faith based on what we now know. It is my belief that a child’s death is not a spiritual reward or punishment for how we live our lives.

Chapter 23, part 8

ACTIVITY

Analyze yourself and write a list of which of your character traits seem to be different since your child’s death. Also, ask what you view as important now and are your actions living up to your guidelines? If you still feel apathy, please revisit this concept later, even if a year or two. Apathy will probably lead to anger at this book for suggesting that you can reinvent your life for you will wonder why bother. Why? Because at some point, you will again make choices based upon your underlying principles, so if you’re not ready now, give it time.