CHAPTER 14, PART 1

You want an answer to: Why? Your mind has sifted through the what ifs and still the answer hasn’t come. Many, if not most, human beings need to seek a reason, which leads to blame, whether it be self, a spouse, the late child, society, the school system, his friends, the driver, the dealer, the murderer, the doctor, the hospital ... As with the what ifs, the blame list can stretch from this page out the door and into the street. Often with blame comes anger, so anger is included in this chapter even though you might not be the type of person to blame.

The ironic part about these questions we ask ourselves about the death is that even if we knew why, the answer might not make us any happier. For those who believe in God, Allah, a Higher Power, or whatever the chosen term or deity, we might think the divine plan might be our child died so others could live, yet this truth hardly consoles us. Our physical and emotional beings are hard-wired to protect our progeny, so “part of God’s plan” reasoning, although noble, does not forestall the emotions we feel.

Some people look for the smallest details to find answers. I saw this in my daughter when she lost her father. She wanted to know every little detail, searching for something new to come to light, some fact that might have been neglected or overlooked. Another woman asked questions about the exact position of her son’s body, seeking an answer, while another woman tried to find out her child’s last thoughts.

CHAPTER 14, PART 2

I am the opposite sort. I have not even looked at the autopsy report because I know he died of a drug overdose. I know it was not intentional, and I know that any information that I discover will not remedy the situation. However, in some cases, maybe finding answers does help. Perhaps you will discover your child did not suffer, or her last thoughts were happy ones.

I would imagine that every parent whose child suffers from a prolonged fatal illness must ask the question why from the onset of the diagnosis. They might have a jump start in this part of the grieving process, having had to deal with the why question before the death, and possibly have come to a resolution. This does not make the death any less harsh, but they might have insight for parents of accidental deaths.

Often, if we do not find a why, we might seek to blame someone for what happened. In some cases, the blame is obvious. In my cousin, Mary’s, case, she can easily blame the man who shot her son. At least that type of blame seems tangible and realistic on the surface, but if we dig deeper, how did the murderer end up in such a state? What if the man was on probation? Does the justice system get part of the blame? What if drugs induced his murderous rage? We could then shift the blame to the person who sold him drugs, but the person who sold him drugs had to start somewhere. Then, we can theoretically blame the initial person who gave the drug dealer his first snort of cocaine or the fact he quit school at the age of 16. Now, part of the blame shifts to the school system for not recognizing a problem. You can see where this leads from one tunnel to another.

CHAPTER 14, PART 3

If you have faith in a higher power (God/Allah/Universe), it becomes easier to blame someone or some event on earth and save the higher power for your own emotional salvation. Even then, many people who have faith, lose it in that swift snip of the scissors of fate. If you have a conception of God as a kind and loving father, for instance, it would be natural to wonder what kind of father could put your child or yourself through such agony. I know of four women who quit going to their churches after the deaths of their children, feeling as though they had been misled for years.

Even this morning, although I intellectually do not blame anyone for my son’s death, I struggle with an emotional anger tied to that death in which I blame my husband and myself. One word more and I might fly into a rage, but I try to subvert my strong emotions and remain in a calm state, knowing that tomorrow this irritation could ease. Also, I want control of my own emotional state, to depend upon my inner resources. In prior years, a person had to actively work to make me angry, but I find this peaceful mode much more difficult since the passing of my son.

Often, this anger becomes a tool and can turn into a positive: think of the mothers who have banded against drunk driving. They have become a force to help control the deaths of others due to an irresponsible decision by someone drinking, because alcohol robs most people of the capacity for logical choice. Used to motivate positive changes in society, anger becomes a potent force. Adam Walsh’s family extended beyond their anger and shock and helped make parents and people aware of unsuspected dangers. His father hosts America’s Most Wanted and became a victim’s rights advocate. Other children have been saved by Adam Walsh’s family turning the extreme emotion of the poor child’s death into an action that helps society. I have the utmost respect for this family.

CHAPTER 14, part 4

Anger’s potency often extends beyond positive emotions, though, and a grieving parent can become caught up in this emotion. I have the reputation of being a peaceful person and seldom do I get in verbal fights or raise my voice, but since my son’s death, I have seen myself react to events in ways to which I am not accustomed. When students in class become a bit unruly, I have almost always reacted with humor, but now I find an edge in my voice with the accompanying frustration. My husband and I ended up in a raging fight the first New Year’s Eve after my son died, and even my daughter who lived with us at the time asked me the next morning what had happened.

“Mom,” my twenty-seven-year-old daughter told me, “I’ve never heard you sound like that before.” My voice rose to such a pitch and loudness that it woke her up in the back bedroom. Considering that she puts up with karaoke on a regular basis in our house at a volume I can barely tolerate (even though I’m one of the singers), the escalation of my anger was extreme.

However, even in the midst of my yelling, I told my husband, “I’m not going to act on this. I promised myself that I would wait a year after Logan’s death before making any major decisions.”

My consummate wrath at that moment seemed to lend credence to the commonly held misconception that divorce rates skyrocket after the death of a child. However, after looking at research on the topic, it seems that the number becomes inflated because 50% of all marriages end in divorce, anyway, so the part the death played in the divorce becomes a matter of conjecture—some of these marriages were already in the act of dissipation, so the added stress might send someone over the edge upon which they were tottering.

CHAPTER 14, part 5

I now have less tolerance and am more apt to snap a hasty answer or have irritation in my voice than before over insignificant matters. This morning, as I walked the dog, I thought of a remark that a close friend had made about the way I should act with my daughter and how my anger had flared to the point where I raised my voice. I can only hope my friend did not take it as personal anger, but recognized it as frustration about the situation to which we referred. I do not like to think of myself as an angry or intolerant person, and I have allowed myself some time to regain my patience, but I do not know how much time is the right amount of time. When does anger become a habit? Even now, I feel irritated about the situation with my friend and see that he intended his statement in a helpful way, but I find it hard to not react.

I now have several choices: stay feeling irritated, rationalize the situation, express my anger to myself and drop it, or consciously change my thoughts upon the subject. Obviously, unless the irritation motivates something positive, for everyone’s best interest, it needs to be discarded. Ideally, I can do all three other actions and come to a better state of mind to deal with the real problem, not the side issue of irritation over an unrelated event. Also, even if the anger I feel has some justification, once again, I must ask myself how much anger and resentment do I harbor regarding my loss that finds its way into minor matters.

I do not feel as though life is unfair because I lost a child. It could happen to anyone, but I feel upset that it does happen to someone, every hour of every day, and I am powerless to prevent it.

CHAPTER 14, part 6

When in the throes of anger or blame, you must first acknowledge this fact. You obviously do not want to be angry to everyone around you. If you have a justifiable reason to be angry at someone, you cannot take the law into your own hands, due to the repercussions. If you are angry at someone you love, you probably should not alienate them through harsh words. What works for acknowledging feelings might help with anger, also.

In the case of anger at loved ones, try to keep in mind that anger is a natural feeling after death, so your rage might be disproportionate to whatever has made you angry. You could write a letter expressing every bitter feeling you have towards a person, God, or even a circumstance; then, throw the letter away. You can write as many letters as you wish. The throwing them away part is important, unless you can cause something constructive to come of it. For example, if your child’s killer is coming up for parole, a strong letter might help, but this is different than expressing your anger directly at the person.

All this blame and anger might lead to the question that inherently follows: How can we forgive those whom we blame? Forgiving does not mean accepting the actions of the offender, but if you forgive, you no longer have to drag resentment along with you every second of every day. I feel a certain amount of anger at my son for choosing the lifestyle of drugs, even though his death was accidental. However, I forgive him for my sorrow and depression, for the feelings of abandonment, for the feelings of loneliness and doubt of my worth as a parent.

It’s probably much easier to forgive your child, though, than an outside party, especially if the person who caused the death still lives. If the death was accidental and you know in your heart anyone could have been the culprit, you might find forgiveness easy to enter your hearts. In the cases of deliberate malice, I would hope that society’s rules would take care of the offender, but I might find it harder to forgive. The only argument for forgiveness in this case is for your own peace of mind. Anger and resentment lead to an even unhappier life.

CHAPTER 14, part 7

Less than thirty minutes after I wrote those words above about forgiveness, I had a roaring argument with my husband at 7 a.m. He was angry about something to do with my other children, and I ended up screaming at him that he would never come between my children and me again. I went into immediate protective mode and I, who am usually very mild-mannered, was following him around screaming. Not yelling, but roaring. It seems ironic that less than thirty minutes earlier I was writing words of wisdom about forgiving, when I was angry at him for something from years ago.

It made me realize that forgiveness might be one of the harder tasks in the work of grief that we undertake. I felt relieved because I said something that had been on my mind for a long time; however, I disappointed myself for saying something that hurt him with vehemence far in excess of what was necessary. Although the anger opened up a channel of communication, I also realized that I do not want to be a bitter person.

Several days after my angry outburst, I went to a bookstore and found a book on gratitude and its uses in overcoming anger and bitterness. I cannot say that I feel grateful that Logan died, but I can have gratitude that he was a happy person while alive. I acknowledge that having him in my life enriched my life and those benefits did not disappear with his death. I can find joy in that which I do have left: my two other children, a lively and loving grandchild, the study in which I write, reopened channels of communication with my husband, my profession of teaching … I will not continue because the last gratitude list went up to close to eighty items and my point is not to bore you, but to illustrate that if you feel gratitude, it’s very difficult to feel anger. These emotions conflict and I have a choice, so I choose gratitude. Incidentally, I have gratitude for finding the book, Attitudes of Gratitude by M. J. Ryan.

CHAPTER 14, part 8

ACTIVITY